Sexual Slavery, the Final Frontier

IF YOU WANNA BE MY LOVER, YOU GOTTA GET WITH MY SHIT.

CALLING ALL ANASTASIA STEELE WANNABES. 

I'LL TELL YA WHAT YA WANT WHAT YA REALLY REALLY WANT

A craigslist ad for a true BDSM Slave. This is the new frontier, folks!

BDSM female slave needed

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/tlg/3206193917.html

One attractive, submissive female needed. You should be in shape, sexually adventurous, submissive and good at taking directions. Total discretion assured and you will be compensated generously. Send pics and contact info to be considered. You will be generously compensated, based on your level of experience so please include any previous experience that you may have had. Can start immediately.

Who's in?

MUSIC!!!!!!!

E.L. James has decided to release a companion album to Fifty Shades, which will be a compilation of the classical music mentioned in the series. I read that article and I exploded:

WHAT THE FUCK NO AMY STUDT I AM FURIOUS I WILL THROW A FIT THIS IS AN OUTRAGE I WANT TO THROW A CHAIR ALL I WANTED WAS A FIFTY SHADES ALBUM COMPLETE WITH AMY BEYONCE BRITTANY AHHHHHH THE WHOLE GANG I CANNOT ABIDE BY THIS I AM CHRISTIAN GREY HULK MAD FUCK YOU E.L. JAMES YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOUR READERS WANT

I was feeling like doing the all caps, no punctuation thing. 
This must be how Craigslist posters feel every day.

E.L. James, where do you get this stuff?

We're going to quickly discuss the prologue to Fifty Shades Darker.


OHHHH poor fucked-up, kinky, philanthropic, Christian. What a sad little child you were. 


Again, Christian's horrific past filled with cigarette wielding pimps and crack whores is a way for E.L. James to add depth.  




This ain't your granma's soft porn.




Many writers use the device of switching points of view within the narrative to create a far more complex and informative story. Many writers use this style quite effectively.


Guess who doesn't?


Writing from Christian's point of view, E.L. James provides us with an intimate look at baby Grey's extremely grim childhood. The prologue is basically Christian describing the pimp entering his house, beating his mom and then presumably burning Christian with his cigarettes. 


Again, I understand (and by understand, I mean I don't) that E.L. James wants to deepen this story, but this is TWILIGHT FAN FICTION. WHY WASTE YOUR TIME??? You think writing part of a graphic BDSM soft porn novel from a CHILD'S point of view is OKAY in any part of this GALAXY???? No matter how hard you try, this is not going to be the next Great Gatsby. You're making money because it's controversial and LET'S CALL A SPADE A SPADE, 

IT

IS

PORN.

DAMMIT.

I'm done.

You can't write good soft porn without someone being an idiot.

So before we all move to the glorious use of syntax seen in book 2, let's take a look at that shocking cliffhanger.

And by shocking, I mean completely expected.

Really, Ana? After all the shit we've sat through, you first CHOOSE to be beaten, though you've told us how afraid of it you've been on EVERY page. 

And then you can't handle it? Even though you've specifically asked for the worst of what he can bring. What do you think "worst" means? USE A FUCKING DICTIONARY FOR ONCE, ANA. 

And you "FORGET" the safe word? IDIOT. 

IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.

So NOW you leave????? Are you shitting me?!?!?!?! 

Just FYI, here were some other reasons that made sense for an exit:

1) Maybe don't date someone who forces you to eat, sleep and drink at specific times of day. 

2) Maybe don't entertain the idea of signing a contract that views "caning" as part of an incentive package. 

3) Maybe don't frustrate your boyfriend on purpose because it gives you some false sense of "independence". Because let's be real, Ana, in the end, you'll do whatever he says. 
4) Maybe figure out a new way to communicate. Seriously, what are you, Meg Ryan? Get to fucking 2012 for god's sake. 

5) Maybe notice the red flags when your boyfriend FUCKS YOU IN THE BOATHOUSE for punishment when you meet his parents for the first time.

6) If you're starting to see some Lizzie McGuire cartoon pop up in your head doing the merengue and the cha-cha because you're getting silver balls shoved up your "sex" then maybe something's wrong with you.

7) IF YOU START TO USE THE PHRASE "MY SEX" GET THE FUCK OUT.

I'd say that's 7 pretty big reasons. But no. I get it.

You just couldn't leave, he really is a great guy with some minor anger issues who just happens to have an entire room filled with various instruments of pain, and you are the only person on this earth who could save him from his inner turmoil.

Fair point well made, Miss Steele.

fucking bullshit phrase.

Ah, repetition. My favorite literary device.

So a while back I posted this:

THE FIVE PHRASES REPEATED FAR TOO OFTEN IN THE FIFTY SHADES TRILOGY

1) NOT all white wine is "cool, crisp and delicious", Ana. 

2) Ever notice that people only smile or frown in these books? 

3) Ana, my god, stop referring to your vagina as your "sex". It's weird. No one does that. 

4) CHRISTIAN DAMMIT– YOU CAN'T SAY "FAIR POINT WELL MADE". It is either "fair point" or "point well made".

5) Kill the inner goddess. Someone do it.

I knew I forgot some when I wrote that, so I'm going to add a few things.

6) Is rolling your eyes the only way you two can express your disdain at the other? Which by the way, you do too much.

7) "Stow your twitchy palm". That sounds like a retort from the Dowager Countess.

8) Do you realize how disgusting "and I explode around him" sounds, E.L. James? 

Say it out loud to yourself for kicks.

9) "Laters, baby." Glad you think you're cute and charming, kids.

10) All the Mrs. Robinson shit. It just goes on and on and on.....and on.

11) Christian's hulk side and Ana's constant desire to awaken the sleeping giant, yet simultaneously wondering if he's going to punish her, and Christian worrying whether she'll leave or not.

and lastly:

12) Ana is always wet. Always. Christian's always hard. Always. All from a burning gaze and a bitten lip. 

yeah. okay.

Meet the Greys.

Remember fancy name hat? Well. Let's meet the folks behind those names.

Meet Carrick Grey. Patriarch of the family, Mr. Grey is one of Seattle's foremost lawyers, or so we presume. He is an attractive older man.

Meet Dr. Grace-Trevelyan Grey. Matriarch of the family, Mrs. Grey is a highly successful doctor. She is an attractive older lady.

Meet Elliot Grey. The eldest son of the Grey family, Elliot is also very successful and very attractive, in case you were wondering. Elliot will eventually be the primary architect on a very important home in the series. Guess who.

Meet Mia Grey. The youngest of the Grey family, Mia...I don't really know what she does. She's pretty.

See the pattern?

Ana goes to meet these folks on one fateful night in book 1. Surprise! They love her! Like everyone does.

Naturally the night does not come without its fair share of high stakes drama. For instance:

1) Ana doesn't wear panties to meet her lover/boyfriend/master's parents. Just to turn him on. Again, Ana. Stop working so hard and stop being an idiot. It must be exhausting.
2) Christian becomes "palm-twitchingly mad" when he learns that Ana has seen a FRIEND of hers and is possibly going to visit her MOTHER in Georgia, taking her away from him. CALM. THE FUCK. DOWN.
3) Ana wonders whether Christian will punish her...for the thousandth time.
4) Every part of the meal is delicious. Just delicious, other adjectives don't really convey the point.
5) Christian tries to feel up Ana during the main entrée of the delicious meal.

And then we hit this:

"No one's ever said no to me before. And it's so––hot."
"You're mad and turned on because I said no?"
"I'm mad because you never mentioned Georgia to me...because you went drinking with that guy....And I'm mad and aroused because you closed your legs on me...I want you, and I want you now. And if you're not going to let me spank you–which you deserve–I'm going to fuck you on the couch this minute, quickly, for my pleasure, not yours."

Thank god for boathouses, am I right? We're FINALLY treated to some soft porn after 10 long pages of plot development.

Oh, he doesn't let her come. Luckily for Ana's ass, she complies. What a night.


I should throw more dinner parties.

So no fisting, eh?

So let's get down to those soft limits. Everyone's favorite part of the BDSM game, soft limits allow for the Dominant to do 'less insane' things to the Submissive, which include everything from anal fisting to suspension and paddling.


Before they get down to business, they engage in a bit of small talk. 


"I'd help you move, but I promised to meet my sister at the airport...I hear Elliot is giving you two a hand."
"Yes, Kate is very excited about that."
Christian frowns. "Yes, Kate and Elliot, who would have thought?" he murmurs, and for some reason he doesn't look pleased."


What's your problem Christian? You're not ecstatic that all the romances in this book match up all your family members with Ana and her close companions? I mean, are you kidding me, E.L. James??? Friends at least had the decency to have Phoebe marry outside the inner circle. 
______________________________________________________________________
"No fisting, you say. Anything else you object to?" he asks softly.
I swallow.
"Anal intercourse doesn't exactly float my boat."
"I'll agree to the fisting, but I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia. But we'll wait for that. Besides it's not something we can dive into." He smirks at me. "Your ass will need training."


Well, personally, I'd like to dive right into that sweet convo.


1) Anal intercourse doesn't "float your boat"? Soooo not a good time to be cutesy with your words, Ana.
2) "I'd like to claim your ass." Joke writes itself.
3) "Besides it's not something we can dive into." Well said, Christian, well said.
4) "Your ass will need training." What? Is there some anal boot camp we all haven't been invited to? I for one, am OFFENDED.
______________________________________________________________________
On anal intercourse, since we don't leave that subject for a full page:


"Have you done that?" I whisper. (um...why do you whisper?)
"Yes."
Holy crap. I gasp.
"With a man?"
"No. I've never had sex with a man. Not my scene."


(spoilers) For those of you who have read ahead to the second book, imagine if Leila was actually a Luke. Who am I kidding. Fancy Name Hat. He would have been named Lawrence and probably would have looked like Cillian Murphy. But I will credit E.L. James with not using an overly dramatic and overused plot twist like pregnancy and marriage. Oh wait.
_____________________________________________________________________
"It's not as bad as you think. Your imagination is your worst enemy in this"


Actually, I think your anger hulk self is the worst enemy, but ain't my fuckin' problem. 
_____________________________________________________________________
"The punishment thing, it worries me the most."


If I had a dollar for every time that was said in this series, I'd be as rich as Christian Grey.
_____________________________________________________________________
"We'll keep caning off the list for now. And as you get more comfortable with everything else, we'll increase intensity. We'll take it slow."


You now, usually when couples decide to "take it slow", they don't want to be fully intimate yet or maybe wait a while before moving in together. They don't mean 'let's wait a bit before I beat the shit out of you'.
_____________________________________________________________________
"I have one condition...You graciously accept my graduation present to you."
"Oh." And deep down I know what it is. Dread spawns in my gut."
...Parked outside is a red hatchback car, a two-door compact Audi."


OH BOO HOO. YOU GOT A FUCKING AUDI. FUCK YOU.
Seriously Ana, go cry some more. Just do it.