You can't write good soft porn without someone being an idiot.

So before we all move to the glorious use of syntax seen in book 2, let's take a look at that shocking cliffhanger.

And by shocking, I mean completely expected.

Really, Ana? After all the shit we've sat through, you first CHOOSE to be beaten, though you've told us how afraid of it you've been on EVERY page. 

And then you can't handle it? Even though you've specifically asked for the worst of what he can bring. What do you think "worst" means? USE A FUCKING DICTIONARY FOR ONCE, ANA. 

And you "FORGET" the safe word? IDIOT. 

IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT.

So NOW you leave????? Are you shitting me?!?!?!?! 

Just FYI, here were some other reasons that made sense for an exit:

1) Maybe don't date someone who forces you to eat, sleep and drink at specific times of day. 

2) Maybe don't entertain the idea of signing a contract that views "caning" as part of an incentive package. 

3) Maybe don't frustrate your boyfriend on purpose because it gives you some false sense of "independence". Because let's be real, Ana, in the end, you'll do whatever he says. 
4) Maybe figure out a new way to communicate. Seriously, what are you, Meg Ryan? Get to fucking 2012 for god's sake. 

5) Maybe notice the red flags when your boyfriend FUCKS YOU IN THE BOATHOUSE for punishment when you meet his parents for the first time.

6) If you're starting to see some Lizzie McGuire cartoon pop up in your head doing the merengue and the cha-cha because you're getting silver balls shoved up your "sex" then maybe something's wrong with you.

7) IF YOU START TO USE THE PHRASE "MY SEX" GET THE FUCK OUT.

I'd say that's 7 pretty big reasons. But no. I get it.

You just couldn't leave, he really is a great guy with some minor anger issues who just happens to have an entire room filled with various instruments of pain, and you are the only person on this earth who could save him from his inner turmoil.

Fair point well made, Miss Steele.

fucking bullshit phrase.

Ah, repetition. My favorite literary device.

So a while back I posted this:

THE FIVE PHRASES REPEATED FAR TOO OFTEN IN THE FIFTY SHADES TRILOGY

1) NOT all white wine is "cool, crisp and delicious", Ana. 

2) Ever notice that people only smile or frown in these books? 

3) Ana, my god, stop referring to your vagina as your "sex". It's weird. No one does that. 

4) CHRISTIAN DAMMIT– YOU CAN'T SAY "FAIR POINT WELL MADE". It is either "fair point" or "point well made".

5) Kill the inner goddess. Someone do it.

I knew I forgot some when I wrote that, so I'm going to add a few things.

6) Is rolling your eyes the only way you two can express your disdain at the other? Which by the way, you do too much.

7) "Stow your twitchy palm". That sounds like a retort from the Dowager Countess.

8) Do you realize how disgusting "and I explode around him" sounds, E.L. James? 

Say it out loud to yourself for kicks.

9) "Laters, baby." Glad you think you're cute and charming, kids.

10) All the Mrs. Robinson shit. It just goes on and on and on.....and on.

11) Christian's hulk side and Ana's constant desire to awaken the sleeping giant, yet simultaneously wondering if he's going to punish her, and Christian worrying whether she'll leave or not.

and lastly:

12) Ana is always wet. Always. Christian's always hard. Always. All from a burning gaze and a bitten lip. 

yeah. okay.

Meet the Greys.

Remember fancy name hat? Well. Let's meet the folks behind those names.

Meet Carrick Grey. Patriarch of the family, Mr. Grey is one of Seattle's foremost lawyers, or so we presume. He is an attractive older man.

Meet Dr. Grace-Trevelyan Grey. Matriarch of the family, Mrs. Grey is a highly successful doctor. She is an attractive older lady.

Meet Elliot Grey. The eldest son of the Grey family, Elliot is also very successful and very attractive, in case you were wondering. Elliot will eventually be the primary architect on a very important home in the series. Guess who.

Meet Mia Grey. The youngest of the Grey family, Mia...I don't really know what she does. She's pretty.

See the pattern?

Ana goes to meet these folks on one fateful night in book 1. Surprise! They love her! Like everyone does.

Naturally the night does not come without its fair share of high stakes drama. For instance:

1) Ana doesn't wear panties to meet her lover/boyfriend/master's parents. Just to turn him on. Again, Ana. Stop working so hard and stop being an idiot. It must be exhausting.
2) Christian becomes "palm-twitchingly mad" when he learns that Ana has seen a FRIEND of hers and is possibly going to visit her MOTHER in Georgia, taking her away from him. CALM. THE FUCK. DOWN.
3) Ana wonders whether Christian will punish her...for the thousandth time.
4) Every part of the meal is delicious. Just delicious, other adjectives don't really convey the point.
5) Christian tries to feel up Ana during the main entrée of the delicious meal.

And then we hit this:

"No one's ever said no to me before. And it's so––hot."
"You're mad and turned on because I said no?"
"I'm mad because you never mentioned Georgia to me...because you went drinking with that guy....And I'm mad and aroused because you closed your legs on me...I want you, and I want you now. And if you're not going to let me spank you–which you deserve–I'm going to fuck you on the couch this minute, quickly, for my pleasure, not yours."

Thank god for boathouses, am I right? We're FINALLY treated to some soft porn after 10 long pages of plot development.

Oh, he doesn't let her come. Luckily for Ana's ass, she complies. What a night.


I should throw more dinner parties.

So no fisting, eh?

So let's get down to those soft limits. Everyone's favorite part of the BDSM game, soft limits allow for the Dominant to do 'less insane' things to the Submissive, which include everything from anal fisting to suspension and paddling.


Before they get down to business, they engage in a bit of small talk. 


"I'd help you move, but I promised to meet my sister at the airport...I hear Elliot is giving you two a hand."
"Yes, Kate is very excited about that."
Christian frowns. "Yes, Kate and Elliot, who would have thought?" he murmurs, and for some reason he doesn't look pleased."


What's your problem Christian? You're not ecstatic that all the romances in this book match up all your family members with Ana and her close companions? I mean, are you kidding me, E.L. James??? Friends at least had the decency to have Phoebe marry outside the inner circle. 
______________________________________________________________________
"No fisting, you say. Anything else you object to?" he asks softly.
I swallow.
"Anal intercourse doesn't exactly float my boat."
"I'll agree to the fisting, but I'd really like to claim your ass, Anastasia. But we'll wait for that. Besides it's not something we can dive into." He smirks at me. "Your ass will need training."


Well, personally, I'd like to dive right into that sweet convo.


1) Anal intercourse doesn't "float your boat"? Soooo not a good time to be cutesy with your words, Ana.
2) "I'd like to claim your ass." Joke writes itself.
3) "Besides it's not something we can dive into." Well said, Christian, well said.
4) "Your ass will need training." What? Is there some anal boot camp we all haven't been invited to? I for one, am OFFENDED.
______________________________________________________________________
On anal intercourse, since we don't leave that subject for a full page:


"Have you done that?" I whisper. (um...why do you whisper?)
"Yes."
Holy crap. I gasp.
"With a man?"
"No. I've never had sex with a man. Not my scene."


(spoilers) For those of you who have read ahead to the second book, imagine if Leila was actually a Luke. Who am I kidding. Fancy Name Hat. He would have been named Lawrence and probably would have looked like Cillian Murphy. But I will credit E.L. James with not using an overly dramatic and overused plot twist like pregnancy and marriage. Oh wait.
_____________________________________________________________________
"It's not as bad as you think. Your imagination is your worst enemy in this"


Actually, I think your anger hulk self is the worst enemy, but ain't my fuckin' problem. 
_____________________________________________________________________
"The punishment thing, it worries me the most."


If I had a dollar for every time that was said in this series, I'd be as rich as Christian Grey.
_____________________________________________________________________
"We'll keep caning off the list for now. And as you get more comfortable with everything else, we'll increase intensity. We'll take it slow."


You now, usually when couples decide to "take it slow", they don't want to be fully intimate yet or maybe wait a while before moving in together. They don't mean 'let's wait a bit before I beat the shit out of you'.
_____________________________________________________________________
"I have one condition...You graciously accept my graduation present to you."
"Oh." And deep down I know what it is. Dread spawns in my gut."
...Parked outside is a red hatchback car, a two-door compact Audi."


OH BOO HOO. YOU GOT A FUCKING AUDI. FUCK YOU.
Seriously Ana, go cry some more. Just do it.

I love a good locker room chat.

Well, Ana, now that you've graduated college, what are you going to do with your degree?
Hmm...well I think I'm gonna go hitch myself up to an iron grid, get fucked by my bondage-obsessed boyfriend and then never go to my job.
_________________________________________________________________
"The ceremony takes another hour to conclude...Christian does not glance at me, even though I'm willing him to do it. My inner goddess is not pleased."


Shut the fuck up.
_________________________________________________________________
"Christian is talking to the chancellor and two of the teaching staff. He looks up when he sees me. 
"Excuse me, gentlemen," I hear him murmur...He takes my elbow and steers me into what looks like a men's locker room. He checks to see if it's empty, and then he locks the door.
Holy shit what does he have in mind?"


First of all, Christian, it's weird enough that you just left the adults to go talk to this random girl. Secondly, you choose to drive her into a LOCKER ROOM??? I get your need for privacy but pushing your lover into a smelly locker room to try and get her to listen to your butt plug pleas...I'm sorry, does that seem clever to you? 


Yeah Ana, the creepily protective and secretive man is gonna fuck you right here in the locker room so the entire graduating class of 2011 can hear you "explode" around him. 
In this particular case, I don't think that's what he has in mind.
_________________________________________________________________
"No!" It's my turn to sound exasperated. "Introduce you to my dad as what? 'This is the man who deflowered me and wants us to start a BDSM relationship'?" 


Like I said...every hundred pages. Golden.
_________________________________________________________________
"He opens the door, and I head out. My mind is whirling. The chancellor, the three vice chancellors, four professors, and Kate stare at me as I walk hastily past them."


PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU JUST EMERGED FROM A LOCKER ROOM WITH SEATTLE'S MOST ELIGIBLE BILLIONAIRE.
_________________________________________________________________
"Annie, I've just sat for two and half hours listening to all kinds of jabbering. I need a drink." (FYI, that's not a typo. it is actually "two and half")


Ray gets it. Praise.
_________________________________________________________________
"Can I take the cap and gown off now? I feel kind of dorky."
You look kinda dorky...My subconscious is at her snarky best."


OOH BURN. (E.L. JAMES STOP WITH THE 'JUDGY/EROTIC VOICE WAR'- THAT IS MY LOCKER ROOM PLEA)
_________________________________________________________________


Another section in which I'd like to hear Christian's thoughts:


"Ana!" I turn, and Ethan Kavanagh scoops me up into his arms. He twirls me around...Ethan has his arm around my waist when I look up into the frosty eyes of Christian Grey."


*KILL BILL MUSIC PLAYS*
*Spots target across room*
*(inner thoughts) Touching my property. Can't... constrain...my...AAANNNNNGGGGGEEEEEERRRRRR*
*Tears across room pushing happy grads aside "FUCK OFF YOU LAZY COLLEGE KIDS WITH YOUR CHEAP SHITTY WINE–NOW GO GET A FUCKING JOB" he lets his copper hair get sweaty and floppy. Realizes this is not a good time to look "well fucked". He turns profile to subject and unnamed suitor, so as to keep an eye on subject's whereabouts. Finger combs hair. Straightens tie, smirks to himself for his clever choice. Buttons jacket. Proceeds with inner pep talk. "You have this, Grey. You have the strength of a gladiator, the toned but trim physique of an Olympian ice dancer and the cool, crystal gaze of a owl. Take what is yours. Own your body. Own hers." 
*Zooms in towards target. Pauses 2 feet away. Strolls lightly, but purposefully to Steele, Anastasia.*
*Glares. Notices Kavanagh, Kate to left. Processes information. Executes conversational assault.* 
*Unnamed suitor is Kavanagh, Ethan. Will dispose of at later time.*
*Calls Ana "baby". To self: "Baby is common term in English language, used as a nickname for significant other. Should convince Kavanagh, Ethan and subject's father of connection."
*Mission Completed. Well done, Grey.*






I imagine Christian's inner thoughts are kind of like a robot-hulk hybrid.

What a ceremony, am I right?

Well he's fucked her, now he's gonna give her a degree. 
Unorthodox form of payment, but probably better than cash in the long run.




So what about that graduation ceremony? 
Speeches, realizations, that tie...a lot on Little Miss Ana's plate.


There's just too many prized moments, so I guess this is really Graduation, Part 1.
________________________________________________________________________
"I'm wearing my black gown and my cap, and I feel protected by them, anonymous"


Yeah, most graduates think that. But if people want to find you, they will. They will. And by now it's been established that you and Christian seem to have some sort of 
cosmic-electric-pulsating connection, so he'll see you. Don't you fret.
_________________________________________________________________________
"I make my way to my seat amongst fellow students whose surnames also begin with S."


That tends to be how graduation works.
_________________________________________________________________________
"As he sits, he undoes his single-breasted jacket, and I glimpse his tie. Holy shit...that tie! I rub my wrists reflexively. I cannot take my eyes off him. He's wearing that tie, on purpose no doubt."


Ana, he definitely did that on purpose. With how fast your lady sprinkler turns on, you're no doubt wet at the first glimpse of that woven tie. Man knows what he's doing.
__________________________________________________________________________
"Must be Christian Grey."
"Is he single?"
I bristle. "I don't think so," I murmur.
"Oh." Both girls look at me in surprise.
"I think he's gay."


Claiming he's gay? Smart move, Ana. I'm sure he wore that grey tie for those other girls. 
__________________________________________________________________________
"Oh, Katherine Kavanagh, you can deliver a good line."


Kavanagh clearly came from the fancy name hat. Also, Ana, what are you? British?
"Oh, my dear Frederick, that was Watson who won the polo match last Sat-uh-day"
__________________________________________________________________________
And then comes the man who will confer the degrees. 
The man who attained all of his wealth and power by DROPPING OUT OF COLLEGE. 


"My jaw falls to the floor. What? Christian was hungry once. Holy crap."


Ana, dammit. He was 'severely malnourished to the point of starvation'. Way different than, "man...I haven't eaten since breakfast". 


Everyone was fucking hungry once, you twit. 
__________________________________________________________________________
"Poor, fucked-up, kinky, philanthropic Christian"


The man does make good on his orgasm payments, I'll give him that.
__________________________________________________________________________
Then Ana gets her degree. And when he hands it to her, they have a nice little chat. 


"Congratulations, Miss Steele," he says as he shakes my hand, squeezing it gently. I feel the charge of his flesh on mine. "Do you have a problem with your laptop?'
I frown as he hands me my degree.
"No."
"Then you are ignoring my e-mails?"
"I only saw the mergers and acquisitions one."
He looks quizzically at me.
"Later," he says, and I have to move on because I'm holding up the line."


OKAY. REAL TALK #2. Have you been to a graduation ceremony? Do you know how long it takes to go through all those fucking names? It takes up at least an hour and a half. So whenever people read off those names they go as fast as they can without gipping the parent's right to photos. 
       If you're walking up to the person handing you the degree, you walk up briskly, but you don't speed-walk, for you might trip and make an ass of yourself. You give a brief handshake and you walk to the American flag and you take your photo. These things are well-oiled machines, people. Every damn relative up in the stands has an air horn burning a hole in their pocket. They want to get to the name they know. So Christian. For you to fucking HOLD UP THE LINE to speak to Ana because she won't return your EMAIL that you sent before the ceremony (WHICH SHE CAN'T ANSWER BECAUSE SHE'S IN THE FUCKING CEREMONY!!!!) is just not cool, bro. Do you even KNOW how many people in there are just itching to get to their Spaghetti Factory dinners and lame-ass receptions? Didn't think so.


Fuck off, you rich bastard.

A timeline. (spoilers.)

Because this relationship is laid out like a saga, and every little moment takes at least 5 pages, the timeline can get confusing. So I took a looksie. 


It makes their relationship so much more disturbing.


Christian, 27, and Ana, 21, meet before her final exams, presumably in late April/early May. 
They fuck for the first time.
She graduates a few weeks later, he confers the degrees, late May.
Shortly after the beginning of June, she leaves him. Drama ensues.
5 days or so later, they are back together.
I think Christian turns 28 somewhere in here.
They start an actual relationship blah blah blah. Christian eventually proposes.
They get married yada yada yada. 
They celebrate her birthday in the 3rd book. When she turns 22. In SEPTEMBER. 
That's FIVE MONTHS after they first met.
She gets pregnant not too long after that.
They have their first child 9 months later.


BAM.


So 5 months, a quickie wedding and an accidental pregnancy later, 
we have Christian and Ana presumably going on to live happy, sex filled lives. YAY!

Sometimes I really wish this series was written entirely from Christian's point of view.

Usually I don't find Ana's sense of humor in any way actually funny.


But every few hundred pages she makes a genuinely good joke.


For instance, after she thoroughly reads Christian's contract, she sends him...yes, you guessed it, kids- an email! 
_______________________________________________________________________


From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Shocked of WSUV
Date: May 23 2011 20:33
To: Christian Grey


Okay, I've seen enough.
It was nice knowing you.


Ana
_______________________________________________________________________


I don't think it's "hugging myself" worthy. But think about how funny that was on Christian's end. He treats the littlest of upsets like he, personally, is at DEFCON 1 .
I imagine it went something like this:


"(reads aloud to himself) I've seen enough...Nice...NIIIIIICE knowing me...? WHAT THE----
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (a la Darth Vader in Revenge of the Sith) 


FUUUUUCK MEEEEEEEE HOW WILL I LIVE WITHOUT COMBUSTING HER PANTIES DAILY? 
HER CLEAR BLUE EYES ARE MINE NO LONGER???? HOW WILL I RUN THIS OPERA HOUSE?!?!?!


***PUSHES ALL THINGS OFF DESK***
*Calms down*
*but not for long*
***all his secretaries are running around after him...he pushes them all into each other- "FUCK OFF YOU ARYAN FREAKS" ***
***RUNS TO BATHROOM. TEARS SINK OUT OF WALL***
***He stares long and hard into the mirror. "YOU GOTTA RALLY, CHRISTIAN. YOU CAN DO THIS. (paces around for hours. 'aryan freaks' pace outside restroom, skipping their sushi and diet cokes for the day.)****
****(after 4 hours and 13 minutes) BY GEORGE, I'VE GOT IT! I'LL HAVE SEX WITH HER! (does some dancing of his own to some ancient opera. he prefers dancing before sex, not after)
***Rallies. Teleports to subject's apartment. Seduces. She's weak. She succumbs. Problem solved.****


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's how every problem seems to be solved in this little trilogy.

You're a wizard, Christian.

Ever notice how Christian just appears out of NOWHERE? 


(Spoilers ahead from all 3 books)


You might say, what do you mean? 
I ask you:


1. How did he get to the bar that fast? Does he never get pulled over? Obviously he'd get 
   out of the ticket, because he gets his way in all matters of life, but it'd eat up some 
   time.


2. He just zooms into Ana's apartment when she's been crying because he Spidey Senses 
   something's wrong. 


3. He just "appears" in Georgia? I'm sorry, EXCUSE ME??? And saying creepy things like 
   "How many Cosmopolitans are you going to drink?". Also, Ana, HE FLEW ACROSS THE 
   COUNTRY FOR A NIGHT WITH YOU. Really? REALLY? REALLY?????!!!!!????? That doesn't 
   freak you out a bit? Ohhhhhh it does. But his "panty combusting" gaze talks you out of 
   it. (For the love of god, E.L. James., what the hell prompted you to pen that phrase?)


4. He magically teleports from New York to Seattle when feisty Miss Ana goes out for a  
   drink with Kate after he so clearly said NO. The stakes were so high!  
   OMGHECRZYWHAAA?!


5. He materializes out of thin air when that guy grinds on Ana for 5 seconds at the club. 
   At that point, it was no longer a surprise. 


6. And for the finale:
   Though he was nowhere near her, he somehow finds his way to Ana, who is passed out    
   after she "heroically" saves Mia, right after she's shot Jack in the knee. LIKE WHERE DID  
   HE COME FROM? I'm not asking how he found her. I don't give a shit that he could track 
   her phone. I'm asking how. the. FUCK. did he get to her exact location so damn fast?

I think E.L. James is confusing "rich man with lots of technology at his disposal" with Superman.

Because of all this creepery, I'll admit that he'll make an A+ ghost when someone eventually bests him and Ana. Since, you know, everyone in the world, including deranged editors, hunky hispanic photographers, hairy club guys, hot architects and past submissives who sound like the girl from The Ring are all out to get them and ruin their soft porn fun. Damn those fuckers.

What do you call sexy emails? Sexmails?

You'll notice there's no piece of the pie for "Ana's Inner Goddess Popping Up Unwanted". 


That'd take a whole other chart.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Anyways, you'll also notice that the section titled "Emails" takes up a full quarter of the chart. 


Ana and Christian email a lot, in case you missed it. 
Probably more than the entire staff of the White House does in one day. 
Some of them are cute. In the beginning. 
When you don't realize that it will just. keep. happening. 


So begins my series of entries based on their emails.
_______________________________________________________________________
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Internet Research
Date: May 23 2011 17:59
To: Christian Grey


Mr. Grey,
What would you suggest I put into a search engine?


Ana
_______________________________________________________________________

From: Christian Grey

Subject: Internet Research

Date: May 23 2011 18:02

To: Anastasia Steele

Miss Steele,

Always start with Wikipedia.

No more e-mails unless you have questions.

Understood?

Christian Grey

CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

_______________________________________________________________________

Nothing like Wikipedia to sort out your questions about riding crops and shackle sex.

Seriously, Christian? "Always start with Wikipedia?" 

She was in college for the last 4 years. She knows. 

Now that email was relatively harmless. 

But considering our "mercurial" lovers Christian and Ana, we can't have harmless for long.

_______________________________________________________________________

"From: Anastasia Steele

Subject: Burning the Midnight Oil

Date: May 24 2011 00:10

To: Christian Grey

Sir, 

If you recall, I was going through this list when I was distracted and bedded by a passing control freak.

Good night.

Ana

_______________________________________________________________________

Who the fuck still says "Burning the Midnight Oil?" This is one of those instances where Ana likes to flaunt her "I'm intelligent- I'm a literary major" side. It never lasts long. Kind of like that midnight oil.
_______________________________________________________________________
From: Christian Grey

Subject: Stop Burning the Midnight Oil

Date: May 24 2011 00:12

To: Anastasia Steele

GO TO BED, ANASTASIA.

Christian Grey,

CEO & Control Freak, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.

_______________________________________________________________________

Well. At least he didn't use "Miss Steele" another time. 

After this, they start getting all cotton candy with their sign-offs.

I won't skip ahead too far and ruin it for anyone, but let's just say it gets so sugary you'll be avoiding chocolate for the next year.

CALLING ALL SERIAL KILLERS AND BDSM ENTHUSIASTS. GREAT SALE AT CLAYTON'S.

Let's go back a bit. Just to emphasize how stupid Ana really is.


Just to assess the magnitude of the situation.


Ana, when a customer comes into your store asking for cable ties, masking tape and ROPE, it should maybe send up some red flags. Now, since he didn't also ask for a big sheet of plastic, you can probably rule out serial killer. That leaves kidnapping and BDSM.


Neither are great options for a 21 year old. Or anyone for that matter.

Orgasm Debt, a growing problem in this country.

After some dancing and a quickie breakfast, Christian and Ana decide to wash away the last lingering shreds of Ana's virginity. 


Whilst in the bath, Christian, though he's already fucked Ana and she has definitely seen his penis, realizes that a formal introduction was never made. For a man who insists on saying "Miss Steele", this is certainly an atrocity. 


"Oh! Turning to face him, I'm shocked to find he has his erection firmly in his grasp. My mouth drops open."
"I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I'm very attached to this."


NO FUCKING SHIT YOU'RE ATTACHED TO IT. 
YOU BETTER BE FUCKING ATTACHED TO YOUR OWN PENIS. 


"It's so big and growing. His erection is above the water line..."


I could say the same thing about the looming shark fin on the horizon or sea monkeys. (remember playing with those!) 
(I bet Christian doesn't. wah wah.)


And then a crowning moment for our little girl! Ana gets an A in Oral Skills from Christian! Send that report card right on home to Carla and Ray! 


"Come, let's go to bed, I owe you an orgasm".


You know, we really are focusing too much on the national debt these days. 
This here is the real problem. People missing their orgasm payments.


"I like this." He gently tugs at my pubic hair. "Perhaps we'll keep this."


In this day and age? Bitch, please.




Told you we'd come back to that.

The Pigtail Cop Out? Who HASN'T used it?!

"I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I'll be from Bluebeard. I take my iPod out of the bag and plug my headphones in...and start dancing."


Issue #1: He gets a boner if you just bite your lip. You really think a hair change is gonna cool him off?


Also, Ana. Sweetheart. You don't need any help with being considered "young". Let us all remember the azaleas massacre. 


Issue #2: Touché, E.L. James. I really connected to this next part. My first thought after losing my virginity to a sadistic billionaire who I've known for a week would TOTALLY be to dance. Just get it out. Feel the music, you know? I'm sore, but whatever! Nothing like some AMY STUDT to free me up. 


YES. Amy Studt. When was the last time anyone heard her on the radio? 
 Which leads me to:


A THEORY ON HOW E.L. JAMES OVERCOMES WRITER'S BLOCK


I think E.L. James has a few hats lyin' around. 1 of these hats is full of song titles, probably from lists culled from Wikipedia or the Billboard Top 100. Maybe even Kidz Bop!


When she gets writer's block in between writing the 7 page sex scenes and the 12 page sex scenes, I presume she takes a song out of one of these hats, and proceeds to write an entire chapter constructed around this one song. In this case, she wants to talk about Ana being a "misfit", experiencing disconcerting feelings after her first sexual tryst. (Do I let him whip me? Or just fist me?)


I also think E.L. James has two hats of random names. One hat of fancy names like Christian Trevelyan-Grey, Anastasia Rose Steele, Elena Lincoln, Grace Trevelyan-Grey and my personal favorite, Carrick Grey.


In the other hat, she has the more "plain jane" names like Carla, Bob, Ray, Kate and Jack. All fine names, but vastly different from the former group. 


OOOOOOOH! Is E.L. James trying to make a statement about the socioeconomic differences between the rich elite and the working middle class? 


Fuck no. You want that, you better run back to Barnes and Noble.