The Pigtail Cop Out? Who HASN'T used it?!

"I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I'll be from Bluebeard. I take my iPod out of the bag and plug my headphones in...and start dancing."


Issue #1: He gets a boner if you just bite your lip. You really think a hair change is gonna cool him off?


Also, Ana. Sweetheart. You don't need any help with being considered "young". Let us all remember the azaleas massacre. 


Issue #2: Touché, E.L. James. I really connected to this next part. My first thought after losing my virginity to a sadistic billionaire who I've known for a week would TOTALLY be to dance. Just get it out. Feel the music, you know? I'm sore, but whatever! Nothing like some AMY STUDT to free me up. 


YES. Amy Studt. When was the last time anyone heard her on the radio? 
 Which leads me to:


A THEORY ON HOW E.L. JAMES OVERCOMES WRITER'S BLOCK


I think E.L. James has a few hats lyin' around. 1 of these hats is full of song titles, probably from lists culled from Wikipedia or the Billboard Top 100. Maybe even Kidz Bop!


When she gets writer's block in between writing the 7 page sex scenes and the 12 page sex scenes, I presume she takes a song out of one of these hats, and proceeds to write an entire chapter constructed around this one song. In this case, she wants to talk about Ana being a "misfit", experiencing disconcerting feelings after her first sexual tryst. (Do I let him whip me? Or just fist me?)


I also think E.L. James has two hats of random names. One hat of fancy names like Christian Trevelyan-Grey, Anastasia Rose Steele, Elena Lincoln, Grace Trevelyan-Grey and my personal favorite, Carrick Grey.


In the other hat, she has the more "plain jane" names like Carla, Bob, Ray, Kate and Jack. All fine names, but vastly different from the former group. 


OOOOOOOH! Is E.L. James trying to make a statement about the socioeconomic differences between the rich elite and the working middle class? 


Fuck no. You want that, you better run back to Barnes and Noble.