For the love of god, E.L. James, use a thesaurus.

Pg. 104.


"Will you hurt me?"
"What do you mean?" (WHAT ELSE COULD SHE MEAN????)
"Physically, will you hurt me?"


FOR THE LAST TIME, he has canes, whips and belts at his disposal, which are used for punishment and let's face it, Ana, you're a moron so you're gonna mess up. So I think we can put the issue of "is he going to hurt you" to rest. 




(Spoiler Alert: She doesn't put it to rest and we sit through this shit for 3 fucking novels)


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And then we have the contract. It's repetitive, like everything that happens in the plot and everything the characters say. But while we're talking about repetition....


THE FIVE PHRASES REPEATED FAR TOO OFTEN IN THE FIFTY SHADES TRILOGY


1) NOT all white wine is "cool, crisp and delicious", Ana. 
2) Ever notice that people only smile or frown in these books? 
3) Ana, my god, stop referring to your vagina as your "sex". It's weird. No one does that. 
4) CHRISTIAN DAMMIT– YOU CAN'T SAY "FAIR POINT WELL MADE". It is either "fair point" or "point well made".
5) Kill the inner goddess. Someone do it.


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The Contract (the highlights)


1) Christian will make sure she eats regularly, which is a bitch of a job, apparently. 
2) Christian will make her exercise. She objects. Of course. Why not object to the small things and not the whole BDSM thing in general?
3) Christian will make sure she is waxed and or/shaved. More on that later.
4) They have hard limits, which include, but are not limited to: 


a) "no acts involving fire play" 
b) "no acts involving urination or defecation and the products thereof"- ha. I wish. I bet her inner goddess would have skipped town on that one.
c) "no acts involving children or animals "(REALLY?! WHY ARE CHILDREN EVEN MENTIONED??)


d) BONUS! As we'll find out later, Christian's hard limit is the touching of his torso due to his crack whore mother's pimp burning him with cigarettes and other dark past issues. That depth, my friends, is what makes this "soft porn" rather than straight forward penis in vagina porn, which we all know and love.


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Pg. 108


"I've never done anything like this."
"Well, when you've had sex, was there anything that you didn't like doing?"...
"Well...I haven't had sex before, so I don't know."...
"You're a virgin?...Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" 


First of all, Christian, your hard limits are things most people avoid in daily life, much less their bedroom activities, so that first question is completely useless...kind of like the whole "fair point well made" phrase.


Secondly, Ana, waiting until now to drop the v bomb? 


For someone so stupid, that's pretty brilliant comedic timing.